'Godzilla vs. Kong'

 
I just saw Godzilla vs. Kong, and you'll never guess what happens -- Godzilla wins in the Japanese version!!!!

Well, not really (obviously), but wouldn't that have been fun? Certainly a lot more fun than what we got.

A few weeks ago, I talked to a buddy in the U.S. who had seen the film and asked for his take. Despite all the praise it was receiving at the time, he assured me it was actually pretty bad and that I wouldn't like it. Well, my buddy sure nailed that one. I was looking forward to seeing Godzilla vs. Kong, but I have to admit it didn't come close to meeting my (fairly low) expectations.

First, I should say that I'm relieved that I managed to avoid spoilers for the film, even though it had been out for months (and months) by the time it finally arrived in Japan. I wasn't so lucky with the 2014 film, despite "only" having to wait two and a half months that time to see it after it was released in the U.S.

The movie's biggest flaw is probably its focus on King Kong, a character that just isn't very interesting. Oh, don't get me wrong. The original stop-motion incarnation had plenty of personality quirks that carry it through the movie. This one, however, is just too earnest. He's also teamed up with a little girl, but not just any little girl -- a little girl who is also an orphan, but not just any orphan -- an orphan who is also deaf. I'm pretty sure this means the filmmakers want us to feel sympathy for her. But, much like her chest-pounding guardian, she too lacks any semblance of a personality. She musters a half-smile when she's happy, and she sort of frowns when she's sad. I'm not sure what her role is, other than to humanize a creature who's already too human.

The movie also really goes off the rails in ways I never expected. The whole trip to Hollow Earth was just bizarre. Feel free to count me among those who didn't expect to see Kong opening doors to ancient castles and playing around with magic swords. I'd rather watch Naomi Watts do cartwheels. 

The characters add very little to the proceedings. Millie Bobby Brown returns from the superior Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019), but isn't given very much to do. Kyle Chandler (another returning champion) appears in what is essentially an extended cameo. Brian Tyree Henry plays a conspiracy-oriented podcaster, but every time he's onscreen, I couldn't help but be reminded of Joker (2019), in which he plays the clerk at Arkham. (I saw Joker six times on the big screen, by the way.) He does fine here, but all the running around laboratories got just a bit tiresome after a while.

The ending was completely predictable, but the way it's handled is mind-boggling. Godzilla leaves Kong for dead, but just because the little orphan girl tells Kong that Godzilla isn't the enemy anymore, Kong goes along with it? I don't know how many of us would wake up from a coma and immediately jump to the aid of the guy who put us there, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't.

I'd thought about coming up with a ranking of all the Monsterverse movies, but all that needs to be said is, Godzilla: King of the Monsters is quite good, and you can keep the rest. I haven't seen Godzilla (2014) since, well, 2014, but I can't imagine my mind has changed on that slog of a movie. I'm sure that would still be my least favorite of the bunch, and I'm glad that the other entries at least had some attempt at a personality.

Was Godzilla vs. Kong worth the wait? I can't say it was. Most of the reviews I've read so far focus on the movie's "fun" aspect, but I was fighting to stay awake toward the end. In fairness, though, I did manage to stay awake, so I guess that puts this flick on a higher level than the second Godzilla anime movie, which actually did send me to Dreamland in the theater.